Sour Cream - as comforting and re-in-vig-ourat-ing as a glass of sick!
VOTE VOTE VOTE!
Sour Cream has been nominated for Best Website Of 1984 by a bunch of idiots who need help dressing themselves of a morning. Cast your vote here and help skew the results in the favour of dumbing down: http://uk.dir.yahoo.com/Breasts_Of_The_Year_2003/
Your guide to all that’s best on the telly this week.
BBC-1, Monday, 10pm
THE NEWS
What a load of old pants. Does anyone know why the BBC would bother putting on a show like this, huh? We mean, like, everything in it is less than twenty four hours old. What’s the use of that?
And, it’s come to our certain notice here at the Sour Cream Dairy that the god-like Stuart Maconie has never, ever, been on this show, largin’ it up with his lovely wit. Pants, we tell you.
BBC-2, Monday, 10pm
NEVER MIND THE BUZZCOCKS
Never Mind The Buzzcocks? Never mind our pants would be better. A whole show about classic awful music of the 1970s and not one - not a single one, mark you - appearance by Stuart Maconie largin’ it up with his god-like lovely wit.
BBC-3, Monday, 10pm
THE SMASH HITS CHART SHOW
What’s this about? Music, but no Slade, no disco, none of that type of stuff we like to mock to hide our embarrassment at liking it, in a self-deferential and boring way.
Worse, it’s not presented by the lovely Stuart Maconie, who isn’t to be seen anywhere largin’ it up with his wit-like god.
BBC-4, Monday, 10pm
CORONATION STREET
Now, we wouldn’t miss this. A true depiction of northern life as we experience it everyday. Coz we’re not poncey southern gits, oh no, we’re northerners through and through, like the largin’ it up stylings of witless Stuart Maconie and god.
BBC-5, Monday, 10pm
THE DARLING BUDS OF MAY
You’d be mistaken if ever you thought that these regular emails were scraping the bottom of the barrel looking for crap television to hail whilst sniggering at. Oh no.
Take this show, written by the largin’ it-like Stuart Maconie and his god wits. A piece of pure nostalgia for 1950s England - luverley.
BBC-5+1, Monday, 11pm
THE DARLING BUDS OF MAY
Well, what type of pants is this? We can take a joke here at the Sour Cream Dairy, we once even cracked one in 1996, but doing a ‘We Love The Darling Buds of May’ type of show, reprising the previous episode an hour later? What do these people think we are, idiots with no sex lives?
Don’t watch this. Instead, do a search on Google for Stuart+Maconie+God+Like+Wit+Largin’+It+Up and enjoy some real entertainment.
BBC-7, Monday, 10pm
CALENDAR
Only for viewers, like us, who are particularly proud of our heritage. This isn’t listed in the London edition of the Radio Times, the bastards, but the god-less Stuart Largin’ tells us in his Maconie-like way that this is a really good film and you shouldn’t miss it.
WE GIVE IT SIXTY YEARS
Number ninety-four: THE BBC
IT BEGAN: 1993, like everything else.
THE IDEA: Begun by Lord John Garland, this was designed to be a producer of purely kitsch programmes for us to laugh at, until Stuart Maconie began draining the licence fee soon after he was born in 1993. Then it became good and worth the money. There may have been some bits in the middle, but we’re not that fussed.
THE PITCH: A public service broadcaster for the nation, a major source of news about Stuart Maconie, a source of income for Stuart Maconie, a producer of programmes we like to laugh at because we’re not getting any.
THE FIRST SHOW: Goodbye 1992, presented by Jonathan Ross or Clive Jenkins. An interesting way to start a new service, that. Oh, how we laughed, because we were only five, you see.
MADE IT BIG: because we said so. But we’re happy to knock it if you prefer. We’re not known for consistancy. Or spelling. Or wit.
THEME TUNES AND TITLES: the BBC seems to have had THOUSANDS of these, for some reason. Dum-dum-dum. Der, der, dum, dum. Dim-dum, dim-dum, der. Der-dim-der, dum-dim-der, der-dum. And other ways of filling a boring newsletter.
THE LEGENDARY TIMESLOT: the BBC originally went out on Monday nights at 7pm, but was soon expanded to 24 hours a day over lots of channels. This was, we can now reveal, at the personal request of Stuart Maconie.
THE END? You wish. We’ve still got to credit the incredible number of people involved in such a boring email.
So Sour Cream enters its third millennium, just like it ended the first two - with dead bodies strewn around computers everywhere and people permanently suffering from narcolepsy.
Any comments on what you’ve read can be stuffed up our arses, along with our heads.
Junior Lick-Spittle: Patrick Stewart
Executive Key Pressers: Neil Down, Phil Up
Contributors: Anyone we could find with a pulse.
