Radiation Times 

13 May 2006 tbs.pm/3044

Welcome to the world of the television guide.

Meanwhile, for managing this farrago, we feel we also deserve prizes. And at Christmas – if not at other times as we may see fit – we award them to ourselves.

There’s so much more than TV times in this week’s Radiation Times: a fatal dose of radioactivity notwithstanding.

Thrill at the amazingly bad programming. Look appalled as your favourite channels are trashed by morons with no common sense or common decency.

Be appalled at how cheap and trashy at one end and how insufferably middle class at the other the entire business of TV listings has become.

Then, put down your TV guide and look at the Radiation Times, which has avoided all these fates and managed not to be very funny.

A triumph of cost analysis over taste – much like Channel Four, only in print on your monitor and not featuring Germans dismembering volunteers for art.

Often.

Christmas Day

5am FILM Pages from Ceefax

154,745,455,300 & 205 for your perusal. Look out for the little seen page 167. (2001 Dir: Jarvis Cocker) 14:9 Widescreen and a permanent on-screen logo. Barry Normal’s rating: * * * * * *

6.50 CBBC

With bland presenters no one remembers.

7.00 Uncomfortable cartoon with a moral message

Time to remember it’s what’s inside that counts, accept others, love each and everyone and never mix two types of household bleach.

7.50 Tom and Jelly

Old fashioned dessert-based animated fun.

8.00 The Storybringers

Heavily subsidised religious nonsense masquerading as a fun cartoon.

9.00 FILM Mr Huggy-Wuggy the Bear saves Christmas

Badly animated but slightly loveable Mr Huggy-wuggy saves the day by getting Santa out of a reclusive state by telling him that not everyone is staring at him or talking about him no matter how many times he can hear their voices after they are many miles away. Unsuitable for children unaccustomed to jolly sing-songs involving penguins or Santa’s helpers. Contains graphic scenes of Usenet. (1988: Dir: Cherry Coke Coppola) Barry Normal’s rating: * * * *

10.30 Allo’ Keeping up being served Appearances (R)

Her, him and a canister of Vim. Classic Xmas 1989 episode. Subtitles for the hard of hearing are conveniently available by pressing ‘Menu’, then ‘Services’, then hunting down the ‘Language’ page, waiting 2-4 working days for the page to open, setting ‘Subtitles’ from ‘Off’ to ‘Permanently On even when you don’t want them and almost impossible to switch off again’. Then keep pressing ‘Sky’ repeatedly until the box crashes. Please don’t ask us about Stereo.

11.00 I wish it could be Plywood everyday

Roy Wood & Noddy Holder are dressed as your favourite historical figures of Britain’s past and smash each other over the head with shop window breakage strength industrial plywood in a battle to the death for the 1973 Xmas No.1. VIEWER VOTE: 01-811-8181 for Noddy, 01-811-8181 against Roy. Calls cost £5.50 a second. Please ask permission of the bill payer or dial quietly.

12.00 The Queen (R)

In this classic episode from 1972, Her Majesty falls through a bar, Charles gets a turkey stuck on his head, and Uncle Phil gets in a dodgy “Fork Handles” situation. Again. (Widescreen)

1.00 BBC News (R)

Day 43 of the fire-fighters strike. John Prescott expects firemen to agree to modernisation plans including privatisation, Pay As You Go fire protection, 3 days holiday and all 999 calls to be answered in India. (Slow subtitles relating to the previous item are available on 888)

1.5 TOTP Dad’s post-dinner arousal special

“That’s a bit short isn’t it? I’ll help you with the washing up in a bit love…Are those real?… That’s a bit tight…”

2.00 FILM Bond-age

Bond. Bond. Bond. Bond. Bond. Bond. Every time one of the actors who have played James Bond say that word, they have been edited onto this “best of” compilation. (1995: Dir: Francis Ford Sidebottom) Barry Normal’s rating: * * * * *

3.30 I wish it could be Plywood everyday

Noddy has won, and what would you really do if you saw you saw your Mommy kissing Santa Claus-ah-ha-ha-uh-ha-ah? Contains 1973 TOTP 2″ VT footage not wiped by careless BBC officials, as yet.

4.00 Coin Flip: Morecambe and Wise or The Two Ronnies Christmas special

The people at Windmill Road Archives flip a 10p piece. The result will be shown at this time.

5.00 BBC News

With Anna Ford and a hand mirror.

5.30 Look North East and Cumbria

Leeds: Look A Bit Less North; Manchester: Look Over Here; Birmingham: Centre of Birmingham Only Today; Nottingham: As Birmingham except with news about the rest of the Midlands; Norwich: Ohh Look – Bootiful. Widescreen, except in t’North.

6.00 Last of the Summer Wine Christmas Special

First shown in August 1939, this classic episode has much confusion in a Yorkshire village stuck in said year as Compo, Cleggy, Skeggy, Eggy, Deggy, Leggy, and the one who did the voices for Wallace and Gromit get into a spot of bother at the Yorkshire Pub Piano & steam train swallowing championship with the aid of a bath, and a 73 year old man lusting after a 55 year old woman. The mast in the background is definitely not Holme Moss.

6.30 FILM Home Alone 15: Mom’s on Holiday

Macaulay Culkin is left alone in a damp council flat in Filey to fend for himself while his mother is having a good time getting laid in Ibiza with various people called Darren. (1994: Dir: D’arcy de F’arcy from Roland Rat the Series.) Barry Normal’s rating: * *

8.00 EastEnders

For once everyone in Albert Square is happy, peace has been made and there’s a jolly old knees up down at the Vic. Until, that is, a out of control aeroplane tied to a train tied to a orphanage crashes down on Albert Square and destroys Arthur Fowler’s commemorative bench. With subtitles on 888 for those who find the accents grating.

9.00 Only Lennons and Horses

This never before seen 1975 pilot episode casts John Lennon in the Del Boy role as he gets stuck with some hookey leather briefcases supplied to him by Trigger. (Not in colour)

9.30 Empty Your Guts

Too much to eat or drink? Get rid of it with half an hour of film of people eating cold baked beans and lard (straight from the packet) and drinking cold gravy. Previously seen on Channel Four in the 1980s, then ITV in the 90s, and now depressingly on BBC-1.

10.00 I Love Border Television

Presented by Derek Batey, with Stuart MacLooney, Meera Syal, Arabella Weir and Kate Thornton casting their casual twopennorth over everyone’s favourite non-region-specific broadcasting oddity, with clips from Mr & Mrs, Basil’s Joke Machine, BMX Beat, Lookaround, Krankies Television, Brain of the Border, Bliss, Mr & Mrs, Basil’s Joke Machine, BMX Beat, Lookaround, Krankies Television, Brain of the Border, Bliss and several suicidal farmers. (Stuart MacLooney is currently disappearing up his own bum at the Garrick Theatre, Thurso).

11.00 FILM An American TV movie with some actors

Weepy movie when a concerned mother’s daughter goes in with the wrong crowd, no, sorry, it’s a Vietnam vet taking on drug barons, no, that’s not it either, um, hurdler wins an Olympic gold despite losing both…? No, then it must be “a married man has affair”.(TVM 1988: Dir: Aaaronn Spelling.) Barry Normal’s rating: *** * * * ***

12.30am BBC News 24

More on today’s wars and warehouse fires. (Except Scotland) Widescreen.

A Transdiffusion Presentation

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Thomas Brownlegg R.N.Retd Contact More by me

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