Lettuce to the Editor 

7 July 2000 tbs.pm/3082

And lo! Someone did create a website that mentioned television.

And this website did become very popular. And many people across the planet started to read it regularly.

But some of them really needed help when it came to using the internet. Or, indeed, getting dressed on a morning, it would seem.

So, more for my amusement than any real reason, welcome to our Lettuce to the Editor page – real emails sent by real idiots. But that’s why they invented the Blocked Senders List…

From: “Peter Campbell”

Subject: MOSTAR CELEBATIONS LAST NIGHT?

DEAR SKY

I WAS WATCHING THE MOSTAR CELEBRATIONS , AND CONTACTED YOUR NEWS DESK , HOPING YOU CAN HELP ME FIND THE BOMBED HOSPITAL AND STAFF , WHO SAVED MY LIFE THERE DURING THE WAR IN 1994

CLICK MY HOME PAGE FOR MORE INFO:

WWW.PETERCAMPBELL.FAITHWEB.COM

MY WIFE AND I WOULD LIKE TO GO BACK THERE SOMEDAY AND THANK THE PEOPLE OF MOSTAR , HOPING SKY CAN HELP US ACHIEVE THIS SOON?IAM NOW 66 AND MY WIFE IS 70 YEARS OLD , HOPING AND PRAYING THE GOOD LORD WILL GRANT US OUR WISH

BEFORE HIS HAND TAKES US FROM THIS EARTH,GOD BLESS YOU ALL AT SKY, PLEASE GIVE MY E-MAIL YOUR URGENT EFFORT

From: “Kim”

Subject: shows

Dear lwt

On Thursday myself and a friend came to a show called disco mania. I herd about the tickets from the westlife website. We really enjoyed the show and would like to go to more shows like that (variety show ) but I do not know how to find out about these shows or get hold of tickets, if it had not been for westlife website I would not even known about the show.

I have looked on lwt website but can only see information about the shows that are on now and not about shows that are coming on at a later date but are filmed before .

hoping you can help

kim

From: anne@so-dive-in.co.uk

Subject: Radiomusications

I hope I’m on the right trail! I’m developing a web site on old lidos and pools that have now gone. I’m covering most regions as I go along and I wondered if any of your listeners would be interested in adding their recollections of their most favourite lido? The website address is as below. Sincerely Anne (0118 9505107)

aqua nostalgia – “anne’s hunt for lost lidos”

From: Wildgirlsout

Subject: Radiomusications

R U A RADIO STATION IN CORNWALL IF NOT WILL U PLZ SEND ME A LIST OF RADIO STATIONS IN CORNWALL/TRUO/ST MERRYN PLZZZZZZZZZZZ AS IAM IN ESSEX AND CANT GET MY OWN LIST

From: JayBch1

Subject: InsideTV

hi

are the late night erotic movies on a friday night around 11.00 coming back. or not. i really loved them and couldnt bear it if they werent coming back

From: jenny97617

Subject: Re: about Satan

dear sir and lady,

please report my letter to the government.everyhthing i tell you is true. Canadian conduct peter mccopin is Satan.God of darkness.he is devil in the world.he comes from hell of black hole. i met with peter mccopin three years ago.he has followed me for three years.he talks to me often with terrible language. Satan disturbed daily life of world people.world people all hate him.but they dare not report Satan to the government.Satan falls in love with maria carey.he wants to catch her soul to his hell of black hole.maria carey knows this thing. peter mccopin calls himselfe Mr.Mars.he practices sorcery at home everyday.he is trying to destroy human being,destroy universe,destroy the space

world of ufo people.world people know this thing.ufo people know this thing also.

please report my letter to united nation.and investigate peter mccopin.

thank you very much.

best regards!

jenny

From: “John Bonas”

Subject: LiveWire link correction

John Bonas listening from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.

From: Tony Evans

Subject: Memorability

Hi .If your still in touch with Mike Ahern, please ask him if he remembers the CORONA BALL ROOM in CROSBY. and Back in the 60’s when he was the (compare ) (d.j. ?) hiding under a table with Tony one of the (BOYS name of the Band ) to escape a good hiding from a gang of motor bike hooligans that attacked the Club. I’ll never forget it or him.

Tony Evans .

from the (Jim Turner .Variety Arcade Bold St.)

From: DEBBIESMITH04

Subject: Ident

arron can come to

From: iain GOSLING

Subject: 7DAYS

Good afternoon, I am EMailing you as I have just watched last Friday’s episode of East Enders and I saw a bit in there that might be good enough for this weeks’ Harry Hill show.

In the sketch just after Den has told Lisa that he set Phil up, find the part when Phil Mitchell is in the police station with Kate where they are discussing the financial problems. She has been asked to find out the name of his accomplice. Phil said he won’t grass, but he does tell her!

Part way through he turns in his chair and faces her saying…” Alright, suppose I tell you the truth, den wot !!

I don’t know if you might be able to include this or not….

Thanks for a good show

Iain Gosling

Burghead, near Elgin

From: QUINTIN McCUTCHEON

Subject: PMC

Does the BBC have any plans to publish the video of SUNSET SONG, first shown c. 1970 and repeated in 1980s? I am keen to obtain this classic serial.

From: CMSFABS

Subject: TV TIMES 1996

PLEASE COULD YOU TELL ME HOW I CAN OBTAIN COPIES OF THE TV TIMES FOR THE TV LISTINGS 1996

IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THE TV TIMES I JUST NEED THE LISTINGS FOR THAT YEAR

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME AND I HOPE THAT YOU CAN BE OF ASSISTANCE

REGARDS

CHRIS HARRIS

From: “Stephen Brear”

Subject: Membership and radiointerview

I JUST LOOKING DURING THE WW TV SERIES.AND IT WILL VERY USEFULL TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU DO THAT AND WHAT YOUR MEMORIES OF THE WAR THEN.

iM FREEIN JANUARY 04

YOURS

STEPHEN BREAR

PRODUCER

MEGARADIO

From: “lesley conway”

Subject: Dog whisperer

Please can you help me. I understand there was a dog whisperer on the Richard and Judy show this week. Would it be possible for you to forward her name and address to me? Thank you very much

Lesley Conway

From: “johnhbryant”

Subject: Ident

Hi,

I would like two tickets for the Carols at Wells service. My daughter has sung for the last 2 years and this year we would like to attend. Can you help with details please.?

John Bryant

From: mal llewellyn

Subject: Features

I don’t know if i am writing to BBC1 or not, but please hear me out. I live in California and the 2 stations that used to air Eastenders have taken it off because it is too expensive for them. BBCAmerica said they couldn’t afford to buy anymore, and KTEH 54 a PBS station, said they owe the BBC money and are not allowed to show it til they pay up. Please listen to us die hard fans of Eastenders and help us to be able to watch this show. Thank you.

Mrs Inman

From: “York Writer”

Subject: Castle Howard Video

Dear Sir,

About two or three year ago Yorkshire Television did a series on great houses. Castle Howard was inclued which featured a year in the life of the house and the Hon Simon Howard. Do you have a vidoe or DVD from this series just featueing Castle Howard for sale? Look forward to hearing from you.

Regards

Martin

From: “John Archbold”

Hi I would like to have some more information about Black and White TV Programmes

In BBC both in 1950’s and 1960’s okay thanks.

Regards

John Archbold

From: Con Breslin

Subject: Inside TV

I’m currently a student working on an essay about how ther media affect young people, in order to reach a conclusion I have been examining all aspects of the media. I would very much appreciate if you could tell me the actual differences between the bbc and yourselves and the actual start day of broadcast. If you could email me back on [email removed] I would be very grateful. And anything other comments you wish to make.

Thank you for your time.

Miss Ashley Breslin

From: “Mike Mahon”

Subject: Meta Editors

Dear James,

There is a great human story here in swindon, the simson family are being evicted from their barbury castle ridgeway farm,they have been told to get out by the end of august they also ran barbury castle country park for swindon council. the simsons fell out with the local hunt master and it has been downhill the rest of the way. can you help.

Kind Regards,

Mike

From: Ghufranuddin Wasiq

Subject: [No Subject]

Dear Sir or Madam,

I hope you are fine. I am writing to you to request you to send me some samples of good be letters. Iam wrking in an agency and i might leave it. So I would like write all my working colleagues this letter.

I am waiting.

Regards.

WASIQ

From: ruaan robbertze

Subject: Radiomusications

If anyone could help? You guys have the audience to sort this.My name is Ruaan and me and some friends all south afrrican are working over here at the Tremont hotel just of Fistral beach and we got to hook up with some of the Walkabouts Ausies.Bassicly we whant to organise a volley ball or even a beach rugby contest.Now we are going to be on the beach tommorow at 5 pm and we have a bunch of guys but i heard that guy of Quiksilver(Robert someone)could perhaps spoil the winners with board shorts,a cap or

something.Anyway if you could give a shout out to any English(1london 2cornish 3southies 4ausies 5kiwis ag fuck it any race get 3or more together 5oclock at Fistral.Lates

From: “Bond”

Subject: EMC Magazine

HELLO MY NAME IS NATHAN

From: “Neil Glover”

Subject: Meta Editors

What are you talking about you little prick!!!

From: traka85

Subject: New Writer’s Profile

Hy i’m a french guy. I live in Toronto. Everyone say i’m pretty cool and funny. I love basket ball,music,dance and books. And I got a lot of secret gift.

From: Anne Irving

Subject: Ident

I dont know who is the right person to send email to.

I watch ‘GM TV’ programme about 2 weeks ago… saw prograame about the mousse for cellulite and I didnt get the number etc. to contact the right person… can you help.

Thanks

Anne

From: BARTRIP HOTEL NEWQUAY

Subject: comedy for you

TO THE BIG BOSS MAN

HELLO THERE HOW YOU DOING.I AM LIVING IN NEWQUAY NOW AT MY MOTHER IN LAWS HOTEL THE HIGHBURY. AND I AM STARTING TO BUILD UP MY STAND UP COMEDY AND COMEDY ROUTINE ACTS POPULAR AROUND NEWQUAY.I HAVE A HEAD FULL OF IDEAS WHICH COULD HELP BOTH PARTIES.AS I SAID I DO COMEDY ROUTINES WHICH INCLUDE ALI G AIIIIYT,WACKO JACKO,GREASE,ETC ETC BASICALLY ILL DO ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH.MY IDEA I WOULD LIKE TO PUT TO YOU IS I COULD BE YOUR ROVING REPORTER.DOING CHARACTERS AND WIND UPS AROUND NEWQUAY(VERY MUCH LIKE STREET BOY ON LONDONS KISS 100 BUT BETTER) JUST FOR A COUPLE OF SLOTS A DAY.WHAT DO YOU THINK MY FEE TO YOU IS THE CHANCE TO LET PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT MALIBU FM AND OF COURSE A LITTLE EXPOSURE FOR MYSELF.WHAT DO YOU THINK LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES BUT BEWARE NEWQUAY CAUSE HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REGARDS SCOTTY JESTER.

PS.SORRY FOR ANY SPELLINGS/FULL STOPS THAT ARE WRONG BUT I AM A COCKNEY AND WE ARE NOT TO CLEVER IN FSCT I HAD DISLEXIA BUT IM K.O. NOW

From: Bob Turney

Subject: InsideTV

Hi Just a note to introduce myself, I am Bob Turney, if you need anyone to committe on social issues I might be able to help please view my web site www.bobturney.com

and bear me in mind

Cheers

Bob

From: Energy FM

Subject: Energy fm in Estonia

Hi, my name is Mark White, im an Englisman in Tallinn the capital running a radio station called Energy fm. Its a dance music station with a very English style of programming during the day in English language, I present 2 shows a day, the morning breakfast show and the Late late brreakfast show in drivetime.

Anyway, to my point, Im trying to contact the woman that bought Ronan Keatings Boxer shorts on Pirate fms auction, can you help me please, we want to make an offer for a publicity thing we are planning

I hope you can help, thanks

Mark White

From: Gate Foundation

Subject: post address

Dear Sir/Madam,

Could you please be so kind to mail me your postal address in London

Thank you

Magne van den Berg

Gate Foundation

Editor’s note: Transdiffusion is based in Merseyside.

From: Gordon Park

Subject: InsideTV

I have missed Will and Grace tonight 25/04/03, will it be repeated?

Thanks.

Joan Park

From: Heather

Subject: Ident

I’m from the US and I’ve been searching for this movie, Bejewelled, that I saw you produced. I can’t find it anywhere, not online or in any other book stores, movie stores, anything. I think thats a hint that they stopped selling it. But I was wondering if you could perhaps point me in the right direction and tell me who to contact. I know that Buena Vista distributes the movie, but they aren’t helpful. Thanks for any help you can give me.

Sincerely,

Heather Bowers

From: Jacinta Scally

Subject: conlogue

CAN YOU REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE HORSE IN WANDERLY WAGON?

IT’S THE ONLY CHARACTER I CAN’T REMEMBER AND ITS DRIVING ME MAD.

Jacinta

From: JENNY APLIN

Subject: Radiomusications

thank christ I have found classic gold on my p.c. thought I was going to turn into a basket case, I just moved to France in February 1st and lost my wife on the 22nd so life is shit at the moment but now at least I can listen to decent music.

please give my regards to all in the bristol area and the boys at Parcel net in Portbury and thanks for the many times you have played requests for my late wife over the years , where is hairy monster did not see his face on the credits not working for you know ? well thaks again for all the memory`s and the music.

jeff aplin ( late of bradley stoke in bristol )

From: joanneberzins

Subject: Ident

your web site could do whith a bit of a make over . more pichers and lose most of the wrighting . are there are going to be know one going on your web site . if i was you id spice it up a bit. dont get me wrong the site is all right but its boring thankyou and i hope to see the site whith a lot more nice thing s and a lot less rubbish

sorry

From: john michael

Subject: request for lending library

Respected Sir ,

With due respect this is to inform u that i have made a lending library for the poor christians who dwell in the slum areas of Karachi , Pakistan .

Since they are very poor so they can not afford to buy expensive books . Because of being poor , they face lot of hindrance in their completion of education . I try my level best to help them in their completion of education . I provide them books which they even can

not think of buying because of being expensive .So i need your help as i , myself , alone can not fulfil everybody’s request . i just need one book as a complimentary copy for my lending library . since this book is not available here that is why i am asking for ur help , sir . THE BOOK IS :

– I, Caesar: Ruling the Roman Empire

thanking you in anticipation , sir .

yours truly ,

AFTAB KHAN

p.s. sir it would not cost you much in sending a single copy for the poor readers . But it would definately make a difference if the readers could not be able to read a book just because of being poor . please send me a single copy of the title no matter in a discarded or in a damaged condition . i will remain thankful to you .

From: Richard Easson

Subject: Regional ITV in the UK

I my name is Richard Easson from the UK & I wanted to invite you to view my web site on the “Future of Regional ITV” in the UK.

We are facing a very unsecured period in UK Broadcasting history. I believe quality / regionally is fast becoming a thing of the past.

http://www.richardmarxist.freeuk.com

Please let me have your views on content & how I could improve the Web Site. By the way your web site is excellent !!

Richard Easson

UK

Editor’s note: Every single image and most of the text on this site was pinched from us and other TV-related sites. He was somewhat shocked we had sprung him and wondered who had dobbed in him.

But wait! The man himself has more to say:

From: Rich Pop

Subject: Your letter section on WebSite

I hereby ask that you remove a letter on your website, regarding my websiteon Regional ITV – Your Concerns have been dealt with & the offendingmaterial or so-called lifted material has been removed. I stated at the timethat some of the material was collated & done via a third party. It justgoes to prove that it’s better to done all the work yourself & only thenare you sure of not upseting anyone. This a copy of the letter – I trust you will now remove this letter as it no longer reflect the current position

[Quotes original letter in full here]

Your Website of which this letter relates to!

(Letters Page)

/emc/meejatypes/lettuce/

Editor’s note: “so-called lifted material”? Someone hasn’t learnt a lesson, have they, boys and girls? Still, property is theft, I suppose.

Editor’s note: My favourite email of all the hundreds of time wasting emails we’ve had over the past 4 years…

From: William Soans

Subject: Advanced Diffusion Television Friday 6th June

Dear Sir / Madam,

Havin been a keen fan of your show [Conutdown] etc.

I’ve decided I’d really really like to give it a little input. Two words: the music. You see I’ve been learning to mix records, like a disc jockey… and I thought: how about an experimental week; in September, say, and we could do something a bit clever – and do it live – so everyone knows we’re not doing anything illegal! … ?

The music needs a counterpoint.

And then I really started thinking – we could do a kitch intro [I’ll play in the audience for a week – V. Imp to have a nice bunch of scrabble and boggle players, and to practice quadratic equations, etc. (but so simple, as to begin to make good play discursive – to bring players on)] and I’ll drop the theme on a record – and add a little something {this should, like my play in the ante-week, evolve, back into nothing…}

Then, however, we’d need an excuse for the timing:

(1) Why, Richard, does it not matter that it’s Will setting the tune playing?

(a) Because we quartz lock the mechanism

(b) Because I waste much more time talking

(c) Especially during commercials [tee hee]

(2) But, what if it jumps? What if Will does something wrong?

(a) Run a Cd simultaneously with the clock

(i) <==> Thinking time between clock and audio signal (See 1b.)

(ii) 1 Second of time in which neural network (i.e. Smart, time-keeping computer) rechecks for pattern matching [between CD and Phono]

(3) Does that mean we’ve got a smart computer, that could in theory do both numbers and letters “approaching-perfectly”?

(4) Maybe??

I just thought this would be a fab way to pass the time.

I like writing, by the way, in its shared intelligence.

Thanks eversomuch,

Love,

Will Si

p.S. I’m also well able to flirt with Carol {from under the floor} [!], I’m in really good shape. And I get on well with pensioners; tend not to shift to much, from side-to-side.

p.P.S. Yancks’d luff zoa Myuszikh

A Transdiffusion Presentation

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